02.01.26
Nearly 10 years ago now I released some music under my own name for the first time - a collage of some very amateur piano improvisations and field recordings that I called 'Lessons'. I dubbed about 25 cassettes at home for friends and for the Temple of Angels merch table, and years later we sampled a piece of the cassette on a Crushed song (the ending of "Coil"). Hearing it every night on tour recently made me want to revisit these songs and I was taken aback by the visceral, physical effects that hearing them again had on me... immediately transporting me back to the time when I made it, the worst year of my life, and for some reason all of these years later I feel compelled to share.
Click here to stream on Nina Protocol.
Marigold and Celandine
In 2016-2017 I was still living in Austin, Texas and my mom was in treatment for what they initially diagnosed as stage-1 bladder cancer at MD Anderson back home in Houston. She lived alone, my little brother was stationed out of state, and I made countless drives back and forth between the two cities, to take her to appointments, chemo sessions, and just being there as much as I possibly could. I joke that I could still probably do the entire 3 hour drive with my eyes closed. Some of the strange choppy/windy recordings you can hear throughout the tape is the sound of the radio frequency cutting out as I drove out of the city limits - I rolled the windows down and recorded the audio with my phone.
One of the piano pieces was recorded in a practice room in the music building at UT, my favorite hiding place even though I had graduated years prior.. oops (also was technically never allowed in there as I didn't meet the requirements to even audition for the music program - I studied film instead). Everything else was recorded inside of the hospital.
Balsamine and Primrose
Listening now, I feel physically ill. The anxiety, the uncertainty, the fear, the persistent pain I had under my right shoulder blade from trying to sleep beside my mom on the foldout chair, I feel it all as if I was still there. The constant vivid nightmares I had regularly for years, and still get from time to time. Nothing I experienced could ever come close to what she went through, but helplessly watching someone you love suffer while some of the best doctors in the world run out of answers is definitely its own type of hell.
I spent many brutal nights there with her but could never really sleep, so I'd get up and wander around in the middle of the night, exploring this massive network of connected buildings. If you listen closely you'll probably pick out the sound of the elevator in the main lobby, and miscellaneous beeping of medical machines that rang throughout every hall. My only saving grace in this place, was the piano.
There are a handful of different prayer rooms hidden throughout the buildings that were always empty and great places to hide, but the main chapel on the main floor had a piano. I'd sneak in late at night and play for hours, and no one ever stopped me. I started bringing this little tape recorder I had, and that's what you're hearing. My most memorable night at this piano was about a month or so after I finished the cassette, when we were trapped in the hospital for several days when hurricane Harvey hit. The streets outside became rivers over night. It was the first hurricane we didn't evacuate for in my life, and turned out to be the worst hurricane to ever hit Houston. But that's another story for another time...
Marigold: remembrance and mourning
Celandine: rebirth and hope
Balsamine: resilience and love
Primrose: grace and protection
The stage-1 cancer quickly became stage 4, and my mom passed early in the morning of September 17, 2017. This cassette is the only music of mine that I ever got to share with her. Obviously she was so much more than this short story about my experience at the end of her life, I'd love to share more about her soon.
In memory of Dawn Renee, as always.
x
another year, another move
6.10.25
hello, long time no see.
there's been so much going on of course, i have several posts i've wanted to write and it's been so hard to find the time. but i'm feeling somewhat settled now and working to change that. we finished the record, the artwork, filmed a music video, and i moved across the country (yes, again). and even though i haven't even finished unpacking, i feel like a can breathe again.
i'm writing out a small list of wishes, for the year and beyond, mostly of things that i've loved and missed, and new things i've always wanted to try or complete too. maybe this will help hold myself to it? i hope so.
my wishes...
- take a ceramics class
- enroll in a drawing course
- start going to ballet lessons again
- write up the blogs i've been meaning to share
- weekend trips i still haven't done: joshua tree, big bear, sf
- spend 2-3 months in a different country
- start doing a radio show again
- lots of beach visits this summer
- read more / write more poetry
- finish the songs
- get a piano again?
that's all for now i think. i promise to be back soon.
xoxo
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a work in progress
2.3.25
constantly daydreaming of a return to the old internet
and figured i should just start being the change i want to see...
carving out a new home for writing, photos, and whatever else
if you're reading this i hope you'll join in too...
shoot me a message to join the link page
or if you have any questions about starting your own site,
i'm always happy to help & share resources
xoxo
bre
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